I was raised in a little compound in Aba, a commercial town in Abia state, Nigeria.

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– Ayokunle Adedipe

Dear World,

I loved writing. It was my first love. The key that unlocked my imaginations and made me realize how well I could put my thoughts down through a pen.
Out of all the books I had written and all the characters I had created,my favourite was Alicia Spectre. My inspiration.
She was the politician, the doctor, the musician, actress, mother to 5 children and an amazing wife. It all seemed impossible. How could all this encompass one person. That was one of the reasons I created Alicia. She reminded me constantly of someone I couldn’t be.
Firstly, I didn’t study medicine. I studied creative arts in university.
Secondly, I wasn’t bold enough to be a politician. I had anxiety issues and I always worried about the next minute. The same reason applies to being an actress or a musician, I couldn’t sing for even 1 million dollars.
If I had kids, they wouldn’t be more than 2 and I wasn’t even sure if marriage was on the table for me.
Alicia Spectre was my inspiration. Every day I wrote about her, every time I created a dialogue using her name. I felt empowered. I felt powerful.
JK Rowling had come up with the idea of Harry Potter while on a train. She had previously gone through serious relationship issues and that was probably her push.
I didn’t need any push. Since I could write, I was my own push.
I grew up in an orphanage. A rich one. Well funded one. This isn’t the story of the secluded girl in the orphanage that was bullied and ran away bla bla. This isn’t an Annie story.
We all loved each other and became the siblings to one another. I never searched for my birth parents and i was never adopted either.
The only thing I knew was my mum was underaged while pregnant with me and my dad was a lawyer. I never asked the orphanage for her name or his name. I was content.
When I turned 18,i got a scholarship to study creative arts in New York and I accepted. That was the beginning of my life and that was when Alicia Spectre was born. 10 years ago on a flight to New York, almost like JK Rowling.
It was the lady by my side on the flight who started it. She had black hair, really brown eyes and a pretty pale skin. Her beauty seemed unreal.
I had never been in a plane before so my anxiety took over. I was trying to relieve it by throwing up in a bag and she helped. That was how I discovered she was a doctor. She helped me calm down and settle in well.
While I was trying to sleep, I overheard her talking to the other person by her side about politics and the importance of women in it. She was planning to run for mayor in the coming years. She not only had the charisma, she sounded so passionate about it. I was impressed.
She laid her head after sometime and started singing. I complimented her for having a wonderful voice and she gave me her ipod to listen to some songs she recorded in her spare time.
After listening, I couldn’t sleep again so I skimmed through the pictures on the phone and I saw her with 5 kids. Yes, they were all hers. She revealed to me how she had been married for 10 years and how her kids were her constant push to always do what you want to no matter the constraints.
In the middle of the flight, there was a serious turbulence and the plane crashed.
She died and I survived but my life was changed at that period.
I later discovered her name was Alicia Spectre. The doctor who relieved my anxiety, wife, mother, musician and politician on that flight.
I finished my education, I became the best selling writer, I became who I wanted. But Alicia didn’t. The superwoman who never reached her peak. That was why she outlived every other character in my books. She never died. Only evolved. Every year, I would send a copy of The Alicia Spectre series to her children and they would ask for more. I allowed her to grow with them. I didn’t have much gifts that could alleviate their pain except create their mother in another world.
Thank you Alicia Spectre for being my push. Eternally grateful.
Olivia.

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– Ayokunle Adedipe.

Wherever cancer sprung from needed to be traced as soon as possible. Did anyone invent it? I know it wasn’t from God so where did it come from? I really needed to know so I could go and drag it from its root, step on it really badly then burn it and afterwards, scatter the ashes across the Mediterranean. That’s how I felt right now.

I missed home. More than anything. I missed the fresh air in my garden every morning. I missed the comfort of my sofa and the warmth of my bed. The wallpaper in the kitchen was so bright unlike the dull wallpapers of the hospital room.

I needed home and it needed me. My plants, my dogs and my children. My greatest creations.

“Angela” the doctor walked in with a nurse while I adjusted on the bed. I had stayed too long in this hospital for the doctor not to call me by my first name. At this point, he and every staff of the hospital were my family. “Yes Doctor Stevens ” I answered craggily. My voice slowly going because of too much retching while I was taking chemo. Even though it was months ago, it had caused more pain than good.
“Your CT scan results are back and we’ve taken a good look at it. Not only the scan but other tests and we think it’s time to let you go” i still sat shocked.
“I don’t understand”
“The cancer is in remission and we feel you can go home and come back for just follow up tests.. This is good news Angela. ”
I didn’t know if to scream or not so I just hugged them both. I didn’t want to call my sister or mother instead I packed my things and called a cab. I wanted to surprise them.
As I left the hospital room, I looked back at it. I really wanted it to be my last time there. The room held so much memories mostly pain.
I lost my hair, a good amount of body weight and my husband in that room.
After wearing the wig my sister got me and applying lipstick, I waved to the nurses then got into the cab.
On getting home, I could see my mums car parked in front. She was probably with the kids. It means they were home and not with their father. I couldn’t wait to see the expression on their faces especially my son.
I pressed the doorbell and waited. I was a bit weak but my children wouldn’t see me weak again.
The door finally opened and I screamed surprise. It was Eliza, my daughter. She started screaming and soon my mum, my son and my sister were all in tears holding me. I coming home myself without calling them meant remission and they knew it.

I looked around the house, danced a little and went to the garden immediately then I breathed the air.
It reminded me of when I was young, in love and full of life. When I married at a young age , had my children and felt my husband was the best in the world or when I was firstly diagnosed with cancer after our 13th wedding anniversary and he promised we would fight it together and after 9 months, he came to drop divorce papers and a custody agreement .
It reminded me of when my sister found out he had been having an affair before I got sick. A marriage of 15 years gone outside the window and cancer was the one that pushed the window open.
It reminded me of when I fought the battle for months with my son and daughter who didn’t fail on their own promises. We fought it together and I think we won.
The air reminded me of remission. The change that came with it. Learning to live a life without a man i had known for over 20 years. Learning to understand my body and give it more credit. Learning to take the second chance life had given me and enjoy it.

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My makeup artist had to pause for a while as I opened what he got me.
Such a wonderful necklace with my name on it and his initials engraved behind it. It was the most beautiful necklace I had ever seen. No doubt that’s what I will wear on my wedding dress today, I’m not wearing the one I got anymore. My videographer was all there to capture my emotions, and it was real straight out from my heart. I couldn’t wait to read the note he put in it.

Adeola! My charming princess, you taught me what love is and I’m forever lost in it. At times I wonder what could have become of me if I didn’t meet you. Every day I look at you and I see how blessed and how lucky I am that God decided to give you to me. I love you to the moon and back and forever.
I thought so hard some days ago and Im sorry to tell you this, but I don’t think I’ll be able to come anymore and do this with you. I thought this was it but then somehow I knew I was on the wrong path. You don’t deserve this from me.
I’m really sorry it had to be like this (P. S you are the first person I’m telling this)
You can do whatever you want with the information but make sure you tell Temi.
Love you so much.

Fola

**********************************************************
What on earth just happened, I was so confused! I ran as fast as I could with my undone face beat, half dressed, just my robe with Mrs. Bennett crested on it.
Damn it, the hotel room had such a long hall way. How would I get to the groom’s side on time? People kept looking at a crazy bride running around, and I just didn’t care at all. Elevator seemed not to do justice, so I took the stairs instead.

I thought to myself, it just had to be a bad dream I would wake up soon. I was standing in the grooms room and all I could see was nothing not even the grooms men. I needed to wake up ‘Aye mi, temi bami’. All I could take with me was the scent of Fola. I knew his scent so well and that was what filled the room. I was weak already and by this time my bridesmaids had been running after me so they found me. Addie, what’s wrong? ‘Today is my wedding day, right?’ I asked. I needed that assurance.

**********************************************************
I woke up to seeing so many people around me. Couldn’t even pick out what they were saying. My parents were sad obviously just trying to be normal to make me feel better, I guess. Comforting words on all sides but I was in no mood for that.

Aunty Dola my no nonsense aunty was fuming, a proper yoruba woman, Fola, ‘o se eyi tan, o doju ti wa, Olorun ma doju ti e’. People were calming her down and restraining her from cursing Fola. She would look at me at intervals and say you! Dont worry. You’re 25 and you’re still young. This is not the end. ‘Olorun a pese Oko rere fun e, iwo maa worry’.

My dream wedding was shattered. What on earth did I do to deserve this? I’m ashamed. God! Can you see me?

Fola, the love of my life did this to me and who the hell is Temi, who could she be? I couldn’t get answers to my questions; I was left in my misery. Where do I start from? What do I do? How do I gather the shattered pieces of my life again?

**********************************************************
Along the years, I found out Tèmi (my own) was the pet name he gave to my chief bridesmaid. Sade is my best friend, and I could not imagine in my wildest dream that this happened. So Sade and Fola had something to do together and all this while I didn’t notice, not an iota of me just knowing. Life is wicked and it’s really wicked to me as they say.

From that day I didn’t hear from my husband to be and Sade. What else can I say? My fiancé, my Fola eloped with my best friend also my chief bridesmaid on my wedding day. This probably will make headlines.

1985 November, 25
27 years old today and still no man to get married to, I’m so dead emotionally.
But I channeled my hurt into my career and my relationship with God that grew stronger day after day. I’m already at the peak of my career, now a consultant in Psychiatry. I live in a wonderful apartment with my dog cookie(lol).

I know you want me to talk about men, potential men in my life, or my love life generally. I’m single again after all those drama that happened two years ago. I do have some suitors but I have to be sincere with you. I’m too scared to even let my walls down. I’ve been too broken and I don’t think I can bear any more hurt. You won’t believe it, I still meet people that refer to it and in an attempt to comfort or sympathize with me, I feel they mock me and it’s annoying and sad. Oga gan.

*Knock on the door*

Jeez, I will be right back. I don’t like being disturbed when telling you my stories, my wonderful gist. You won’t believe it, it’s Ken; (well you all caused it when you made me talk about the potential men in my life.)

Ken, is a wonderful guy I’ll have to admit that, also very good looking, a good Christian let me just call him a pastor, a perfect gentleman. I really think I have a type, he does look like Fola. Sorry, I keep mentioning that name (I’ve known that man for most of my years). He was my first love.
I’ve been the one pushing him away but the more I do that the more persistent he is. You guys. Maybe this is it. I’m just afraid to fall. I will give you details about how we met later.

Guess what!!!!
He just got me an engraved necklace for my birthday with
‘I will always wait for you cause you’re worth it’. Ken
(Me and necklaces🤦🏽‍♀️)

Awwwwn, this man though, I wasn’t planning on celebrating anything at all. Guess that plan has changed, because your girl is going for a dinner right now with a wonderful man right beside her.

9pm same day
I’m so exhausted, don’t worry I will give you every detail of my dinner date with Ken. Let’s give it that tag.

My dinner date with Ken
Hmmm, we left my house together and my normal self I just wore a simple gown as I would always do. Styled my natural hair and tried putting up some minimal make up just to look different and still maintain my simplicity as the birthday girl that’s getting old.

We got to a nice eatery with a nice view, it was so serene. I ate my favorite dishes, and he just kept smiling and smiling and we talked about so many things, Nigeria, politics and life generally. It was fun I must confess and I felt great in a long time. Its a good way to cool off.

We left and we took a walk around the eatery because they also had gardens and parks for people. Wonderful place to behold, I didn’t even know there was a place like that in the state I live in. You won’t blame me. I have a triangular life, work church, home and market when needed. I felt at peace with all that.

We found a seat and just enjoyed the silence. Ken broke it anyway, and all I heard was I want to know you, know more about you, enough of all the surface discussions and all. Tell me about yourself, Adeola please. My heart skipped I was not ready to go through that. I had just managed to lock some parts of my life and thrown the damn keys in the deepest oceans where no one could find them.

Sigh, here’s a man who has been my friend for a while, I know him and he’s been there for me even if he doesn’t know me fully well. There’s something different about him and I’m not willing to know.

We actually met at a conference about Wellness. I don’t even know why I attended but I did and he was helpful in helping me around, we exchanged numbers, started talking. Found out he’s a pastor and a counselor too. He also works at an Engineering company and holds a big position but you wouldn’t have known if he didn’t tell you. So calm, humble and one kind of peace just surrounds him.
We just kept on being friends but then I knew we were growing to be more than that after he brought it up one day when he visited me, he told me plainly that he likes me and he knows he has found the one. Trust me I brushed it off, I won’t say I hate men but I’ve suffered in their hands and I don’t know who the next Fola is or not.
I didn’t really talk about it, I escaped it, and he didn’t push but deep down I knew I couldnt run from it tonight.

What should I do, the necklace he gave me today even explains it better and I actually wore it. He already passed his message the second time, and hes just asking me a honest question which I have to answer. I’ve been pushing him away for a year and a half now. He deserves an answer if I must be truthful to myself.

Here you go. I told him everything, I mean everything that has happened to me, my life, my family, my relationship, my hurt , every damn thing. I broke down I knew right there I was not healed; I had just learned to live with it.

He just allowed me to say everything, bare out my heart, mind and soul out and with my head on his shoulders he told me, you’ll be okay and I’m here with you. When I was calm, he said he knew I was broken all along and he just wanted to let me allow him in. Also, he’s not going nowhere because he’s in this with me.

For the first time in a while I actually felt at peace. I felt like I wasn’t talking to Ken anymore. It Felt like God was here to. Is this God in human form? Is God using him for my healing?

He just had the qualities. He knew what to say exactly, and every bit of it sank deeply in me. He said I needed to forgive myself my friend and Fola. I need healing and he’s with me in this. Guys, I’m a consultant psychiatrist, and I know a lot about mental health. And here I am not even doing well in that aspect of my life, my emotions are messed up. I fix others but I can fix myself, I just wanted to run away and live life.
For the first time in a long time I felt safe, I felt loved just as God loves me, I felt at peace as one will with God, I felt genuinely happy and a heavy burdened lifted off my chest. A healing balm flowed through me.
Gosh, I can’t explain this enough to you all, maybe God sent him to me to help me out, to show that he still loves me and wants me to be happy.

Adeola, Ken said to me. God loves you and wants you to be happy genuinely, I love you so much and I don’t know why, but I know God ordained this, I know it’s not easy for you but just allow me in, let’s do this together.

Of course, I couldn’t even refuse because I knew this was different. I see God in this man you guys. He loves genuinely like Christ, a love that healed my wounds. And he’s so patient with me. I know I have mentioned God a lot but that’s how best I can explain this.
I’m exhausted. I have to go to bed.

April 2nd 1986,
Oh happy day, oh happy day (🎶 )
An oldie but a goldie. That’s a classic. I’m preparing for work actually but your girl Addie is happy, I’m good, I’m great, I have great joy and true happiness.
I know you’re anxious and your ears are itching. I will say it. Don’t worry.

First of all, I’m good mentally and emotionally but I couldn’t believe I was actually in so much hurt. I went for counselling and became closer to God, put all my degrees and sentiments aside and it did help me (I laid all my cares and worries at His feet as God always wants us to do). And Ken is the sweetest guy ever. He went with me time after time, prayed with me. He gave me the healing that I needed and the shoulder I could lean on literally. He didn’t leave me. I had low times, sad times, moments where I didn’t even want to talk to anyone. He still stayed, such enduring and persevering love.

I forgave myself, Fola and Sade and I remembered my family. I called and spoke to them, my Dad was the happiest, his favorite girl and only child was back.

My mum couldn’t hide her joy. She knew I would bounce back. I just went through a dark side of my life. Hope and love brought me back and God’s unfailing love. She said they had been praying for me.

I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore for Ken, everything I asked God for I saw it in him even to the tiniest detail, he was the happiest man, and I could see it in his face from the day I told him I loved him and that was just a month ago.

I know I’ve been hard on him, I just wanted to be sure I was okay and he wasn’t a bounce back for me. I tell you from my heart, I know this is it finally, Kenneth Williams is my Husband.
*********************************************************

Together we are a force to reckon with. We have 3 wonderful kids we have built a big rehabilitation centre together, me a consultant psychiatrist with a wonderful story, with a Pastor also an engineer and great counsellor by my side. What better help can I get? Through us with the help of God, people with problems have been healed and they have so many testimonies to share.
Here I am sitting in a very large auditorium lost in my thoughts. At my
60th birthday that was all planned by my husband, my jewel of inestimable value, my God sent man. One who pursued the heart of God in order to find me, I can’t trade him for anyone.

Crowds filled with friends I made over the years , people who have been healed , cheering with loud applause as it was time for me to give a speech, all I cared to see was the wonderful smile on my one and only Ken who gave me and made me live this wonderful life I didnt dream of.

God loves me deeply and has my best interest in heart.

God healed me and gave me joy. Truly Olúwáfunmílayọ̀ (God gave me joy) I’m Adeola but I earned Olúwáfunmílayọ̀ .


Rom 8:28

He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (Msg)

November 25 2018.

Estée ✨

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