Anyways, something happened while i rinsed them, I received a profound inspiration from the Holy Spirit.
It struck me how our creative God has orchestrated the changing seasons, each bringing its unique fruits.
I marvel at the cycle of seasons from corn to mangoes and even agbalumo (African Cherry) that we had some months ago and there are still many more fruits to come and the funny thing is we don’t get tired of it, instead we anticipate it.

For those with fruit trees in their homes, you know that the wait can be long but it starts when you see the flower buds then the little fruits start growing, then you have to wait until they become ripe enough and of course, they don’t get ripe all at once. You monitor the one that’s showing signs of being ripe and once it’s ready you’re there to pluck it and that’s if you’re lucky enough to do that before the birds take their share but then the entire process is beautiful and the reward/harvest is worth it.

What am I driving at?

God takes us through various seasons, each with a beginning and an end. Though they may seem challenging, every season holds its beauty, maximize it and with patience, hope and trust you’ll understand its purpose.
This is a reminder to embrace the season you’re in right now. Grow, develop stamina and strength, trusting that it will pass, and a new one will begin.

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
‭‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬-‭4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

P.s: This is also a reminder to send me mangoes 🥹🥹🤭🤭

With love

Estée 💜✨

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To my brothers and sisters,

This is just a quick check in, how’s the year going for you so far?
Are you still burning with the same energy you started it with or you’re already burnt out?
Have you been able to achieve some of your goals or there’s been a bit of delay?
Don’t be scared. Don’t be pressured. I’m not trying to trigger you. Breathe in and out. This is just checking in.

I’ve learnt that a lot of people find solace and peace when you document your own experiences. It makes them feel they aren’t alone and I agree. There are some things I have passed through that I wish someone had told me earlier. Thank God for the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

On my end, Grad school hasn’t been exactly a walk in the park or maybe it has but this park has a lot of swings and slides and there are children screaming everywhere. Then there is the pressure of adulthood. It comes in different shapes and sizes😉
The funny thing is Med school for me was still much more tedious than Grad school but of course, the educational system is different(Nigeria Vs US). So even though I’ve adapted, sometimes I just get tired because my brain is trying to learn some certain things I haven’t been exactly exposed to.
Learning the laws and policies of another country when you didn’t do that in your undergraduate is tedious and I think I may need an encyclopedia now or encarta(if you remember it).
But yeah, this is life. Life will always come with the usual tadpoles and hurdles and there’s the tendency of almost losing yourself in the routine, in the work.
The tendency to want to hide from the rest of the world and just be on your own. I struggle with this a lot.
For someone that started a blog, you would think I was very good at sharing. I’m really not.
I mostly prefer my own company and not dealing with people but like I said, people find solace in sharing and it will be in-genuine of me to tell you to do something I’m not doing.
Stepping out of your comfort zone can be stressful but stress is actually relative. Doing something you aren’t used to can stress you but eventually you adapt and you may never adapt, you may just learn to tolerate it.
I know we are all doing different things with our lives right now, but this quick check in is to remind you to not put pressure on yourself. It can break you more than you can imagine.
If you’re burnt out, retreat and recharge. I advise going on a vacation even if it’s 3 days or a weekend, go somewhere you can regain that strength and come back to continue.
It’s only someone that is alive that can work. Remember that.
If you are on track with your goals, then congrats, continue with your strategy and possibly, reevaluate it and find out the strength and also improve on the weakness.
At the end of the day, we all know the strategies that work best for us .
As for me, I just came back from a retreat, I watched dune 2 at the cinema(Lisan-Al-Gaib!!😉😉). I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ve also been taking walks lately because it’s officially spring season and the sun has become my best friend.
If you need to talk to someone, we are here for you.
We have our emails and your information stays private. We are doctors so we understand confidentiality 😉.

Please also subscribe to our newsletter. Exciting things are coming !
Stay healthy, Pray often, remember to read your Bible daily.

For my next post, I will be discussing something quite interesting. I’m putting this out there for accountability purposes.
Also, if you miss my stories, something is also coming soon. Watch this space or how do they say it?
Love you all.

Yours with a lot of hugs,

Ayo.

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“Aunty, you will not leave the road now o, until someone will hit you and you will be calling police” A bald headed motorcyclist screamed as he drove past. I quickly walked to the far end of the road and arranged my hair that had scattered from the wind. My sister would have probably scolded me for not concentrating and I would never admit I was the one that was at fault then. But even with the differences, she was my best friend.
She always looked after me and sometimes took the blame for what I did. She would tell me stories about the animal kingdom so I could sleep off and each night had different parts. She knew how scared of the dark i was and she would wait till i fell asleep before she did and she constantly reassured me the nightmares i had were just a figment of my imagination.
My lips were already cracking from the middle even after all the lip gloss I had applied. It was almost harmattan in Nigeria but it was already harmattan in Akure. The leaves had this crunchy sound when they were stepped on and the wind was annoyingly cold and dry at the same time. It reminded me of how my mum would always make sure we wore our sweaters during harmattan season.

“Fidelis open the gate” my knuckles hurt from knocking the gate. I quickly adjusted my dress and my hair before the gateman opened. 
“Ha! Madam welcome o” he said as he opened and prostrated. Fidelis was always extra. He had been the gateman even before I left home and he was one of the happiest humans I had ever encountered. I was happy he hadn’t changed. It meant happiness still existed.
“Mummy and daddy dey for backyard” he smiled like he knew something I didn’t. I just nodded and entered the house through the front. Mum always forgot to lock the front door and she would scold me as a child for doing the same not knowing I got it from her. As I walked to my room, I noticed the walls had been re painted. Some pictures weren’t on the wall again and some were just put there but one in particular caught my eye.
On a very cold night in December, when I was 10 years, my mum had another child. It was a day before Christmas and we were hanging Christmas décor when she went into labor. He was a breech baby and it was an obviously difficult labor but everyone came out alive. I fell in love with Tayo the moment I saw him.  There was nothing more precious than seeing him open his toothless gums and give the most beautiful smile. He grew as fast as I did and soon, he started doing everything I did. He always wanted me to tell him stories about the animal kingdom and I would tell him from part 1 to 100. He would crawl up to me in the night to tell me about the big bad wolf he saw in his dreams and I would tell him it was just a nightmare. I would stay up at night with him sometimes and look at the stars. He always wondered why there were so many stars and why they shined so bright and I would tell him it was the people we loved that had died that went up and turned to stars.

When I turned 20, Tayo died of Leukemia. He had fought it for 2 years and he lost. He died with the brightest smile on his face and that image haunted me for a very long time.
On the day of his burial, I was the only one who wept uncontrollably; you would think I was his mother. My nightmares resumed and became an unending loop. In all my nightmares, I always saw Tayo and the big bad wolf. It took me a year and a half to recover from his death and by this time, my sister had graduated from the university and had moved to Canada. She would always deny she didn’t move to get away from the grief but I knew she did. I saw the joy in her eyes whenever she played with Tayo, they were alike and she understood him more than I did. Sometimes I would wonder who loved Tayo more between I and my sister and I would ask him but he would smile and tell us he loved us the way we loved him. My mum and dad moved on as quickly as they could and gave most of Tayo’s things to the orphanage.
I left the country after turning 22 and moved to London. I found temporary peace there. No memories, no nightmares, just peace and now i was back after 8 years.
I entered my room to see boxes beside my bed. I dropped my hand bag on the table and sat on the bed. The bed wasn’t dusty neither was the room. A visitor probably stayed here for a while. 
“Pamilerin” I heard as I looked up to see my mother, still looking young and radiant as ever. She smiled to show her perfect teeth. “Mummy” I stood up to hug her. We held each other tight for a while before she finally let me go. 
“My baby has finally come home” we sat on the bed and she started inspecting my face, probably looking for pimples. Old habits don’t die hard. “Where is your remaining luggage” she looked at my hand bag on the table. “The cab will bring them later. I had to get here as soon as I could” she nodded and stood to go to the bathroom. 
I followed her but stood by the door. “Mummy, how bad is it?” I whispered. She washed her hands and took my own hands. “About that, i didnt want to tell you on the phone” She started smiling. “Tell me what?” I asked with concern.  “it was a false alarm, his health is perfect” she answered. I sat down immediately to steady my feet because of the relief i felt. “Mummy, Thank God!” I hugged her tightly and refused to let any tears drop.
“That’s not why I asked you to come home Pamilerin” she brought out her phone and started searching for something.
“Is there something else wrong? and its Pam mummy, you don’t need to call the full name” I scoffed and went to switch on the TV.
“I named you Oluwapamilerin on the day of your birth not Pam. Pam doesn’t mean laughter” she exclaimed and I actually burst out laughing. I wasn’t going to argue with her.
“Now back to what I was saying” she started smiling again.
“Mummy, this smile is suspicious” I didn’t know she had infected me and I was smiling too.
“Just freshen up and meet us in the dining, I’m sure your dad can’t wait to see you” she stood up and left the room before I could even say a word.
I quickly showered and put on a beige dress from my mum’s closet. The driver hadn’t brought my other luggage and the dress was really nice. I fit in perfectly into the dress and it just showed how much weight I had lost.

I packed my hair into a bun and ran downstairs to join my mother in the kitchen. There was a tall girl in the kitchen assisting my mum. I guessed it was the maid. “Good evening madam” the girl greeted. “Her name is Maria” my mum introduced her. “Good evening Maria” I replied and went to the dining.
As I walked towards the dining, I overheard  2 other voices. I wasn’t mentally prepared to greet family friends I hadn’t seen in over 8 years, but I breathed in and decided to suck it up. I walked in and immediately ran to hug my father.
“Daddy” I held him so tight and he felt so small in my embrace.
“My daughter” he released me a bit and held my hands. I noticed He had added weight from the last time I saw him and he looked really happy.
“Pam, do you remember Mr. and Mrs. Dimeji” my dad asked and my brain scanned their faces. They looked familiar but I couldn’t quite place where I knew them from. I nodded and they smiled while hugging me. They seemed more excited to see me than I was to see them.
“Can you remember Lade? I’m sure you do after all the drama at the Christmas parties” the man and the woman laughed while the guy beside them looked up to see me.
I remembered clearly. It was Lade
Our Christmas parties used to be the most talked about those years. We would host family friends and my parents work partners and just eat, drink and have fun. The kids used to have a separate area for playing and we often left the adults to talk. I had a lot of friends but I was really close to one.
Lade was one of the few who understood me. He would always give me the attention I needed, tolerate my stubbornness and still made me laugh. We were opposites, we would fight and everyone would tease us but we barely cared. Even till we became teenagers, we still remained close. He was the only one that called me by my second name because it was personal to him. 
He was there when we buried Tayo and he shared in my grief. I got better because of him and for a while I thought I couldn’t function without him.
He left for the states the day after my 20th birthday and I lost contact with him soon after.  Distance was an issue but I was the major issue. The last time we saw was at the airport in Lagos when he was leaving and He told me he loved me.
“Morountodun” he smiled.

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“ I don’t think i love you anymore, Liz” his voice echoed in my head.
” The fights don’t seem to end. Maybe we need to just stop trying” i remember the words we exchanged during our last conversation.

” With all I’ve achieved in my life, i was always the problem solver. i just couldn’t work this one out” i continued in tears.
” I really tried. We really tried but it just wasn’t working out anymore.” I took a deep breath finally.
“You both didn’t want to resent each other” the stranger finally chimed in and i looked up at him listening.
” Stop blaming yourself. I wish someone told me this when i got out of a divorce and all i had was the bottle” he continued.
” You did your best, it didn’t work out.” i shook my head.
“Stop shutting out your friends. They only respond to what you show and tell them” he ended with a smile.
“Thank you”i replied and there was the silence again. We both looked outside, The rain had finally stopped.
“I didn’t get your name” i asked as i got up.
The stranger got up too, paid his bill and began walking out.
” William. William Darcy” he grinned and walked out.
What an odd name
I picked up my phone and called Meg, she had to cook my favorite dessert tonight.
“Meg” i called.
“Elizabeth!”She screamed and she started rambling. I missed her ramblings.
Walking home and listening to her talk about her new recipe, i looked up. There was a rainbow out and it felt like it was smiling at me.

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Everyone has that constant pressure to succeed. Everyone has that constant voice either external or internal bugging you to be the best. I don’t believe anyone actually wants to remain mediocre. Search yourself, search deep down. I do not think anyone actually wants to be below average.
I had always been a hard worker, a perfectionist. I never thought I was born ordinary. Society called it pride when I was younger but when I became a teenager, i realized it was just confidence, even though there’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance.
My parents always pushed me to be the best in whatever I did and I never faltered. My childhood was a triangle of summer lessons, watching educative cartoons and a never ending competition between I and my 4 sisters on who was the best daughter and it made my parents happy. It gave them joy but it broke us and we didn’t even know it.
My hands started shaking and I didn’t even know when the phone I was holding dropped.
“Are they here yet?” I whispered to Lara.
She nodded her head. She held my hands tight and I could see the tears in her eyes.
“They will come soon Ally” she reassured. I sighed and zoned out again. My eyes darted to the picture frame by my bedside. It was me and my friends from college on a trip during our last summer together in school. The only friends that I’ve ever had.
I lived all my life for my parents, always trying to get all the awards and rub in my sisters faces. I remember the day I didn’t make the track and field team in high school and my twin sister did. My parents got her one of the latest phones that year but got me nothing. There was no “you did your best or there will always be next time”. There was no conversation just silence.
“They aren’t coming Lara” my voice cracked.
“I am probably their biggest disappointment” the tears gathered but I still smiled.
I had finally come to terms that i was going to die. It was after I slumped while giving a presentation at the office that I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It’s been 2 years in and out of the hospital, in and out of the country but it was too far spread and even clinical trials couldn’t help.
I couldn’t even look at myself anymore. I was basically a shadow of the once lively Allison that participated in every possible activity.
At 29,i was the Co CEO of an advertisement firm that had multiple branches all over Nigeria. I was listed in Forbes under 30 richest Africans and I worked 9 to 9 every day even Sundays but it came with a price. I had no new personal relationships and only a few of my former friends still lingered around. There was just no time. Lara was once my personal assistant but gradually became the sister I wish I had.
In the last month, I had been in hospice. Lara had been staying with me through my entire experience. I had to step down from the company and completely stop working and she also took a paid leave. In spite of everything, my parents nor sisters never came to see me. Just a few calls and texts. I couldn’t blame them, I told them in the beginning that it was just a mild illness but when there was no cure in sight, I had to come clean. It didn’t change anything. At a point, they didn’t reply anymore.
My money meant nothing now and my name meant nothing now. All I had worked for all my life seemed so empty and vain now. It was hard to accept my fate at first but I was glad I was going to a place where I was loved and not used.
” Please take me outside” I whispered to Lara. My breathing had become difficult but I wanted to walk around and hear the Aboki sell suya or Àsun one last time. I would miss Nigeria: the heat, the owambe’s and the noise.
Lara and the nurse held me together once we were outside. I wanted to walk alone, there was this sudden burst of energy. I found God during these last couple of months as everyone in hospice care was advised to be closer to their faith. I had always felt him in the tiny things around my room but now, going out, I could feel him everywhere around me.
I walked to the Àsun joint and asked for one plate. It would soon be time. I could feel it. I started getting cold and quickly went to sit on a bench. Lara rushed beside me and held my hand. “Don’t forget where the letter is” I told her.
I had dropped a letter to be read during my funeral. I knew they would show up and pretend they were there for me all along. All my money and assets would be given to charity. I started smiling even if I couldn’t feel my limbs anymore.
The darkness started coming and I welcomed it then I heard a voice
“Allison”.

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Breathe.

Be patient with your journey.That’s where I’m going to start.

Be patient with where you are going or where you are now.

The journey entails alot. There is anger, pain, disappointment, surprises, betrayals, love, peace, loneliness, success, solitude, progression and stagnancy. That’s a whole lot.

As I write to you, I want you to also know I don’t have it all together. I am also learning like you. I’m also reading posts like this to encourage me.
And for me, I don’t have the luxury of having to tell so many people what goes on in my head all the time mostly because it’s difficult to express myself by speaking to people. So I write the entire journey of what goes on in my head.
I get tired too, I want to give up. I want to progress. I want to stop trying. I want to move on. I want to explore. I want to be hidden. I don’t feel like socializing. I want to meet new people.
Just a lot of different feelings popping in your head like popcorns in the microwave.
You see your friends moving forward and achieving a lot and you’re happy for them(genuinely) then in the little corner of your mind, you’re reminded of your own lack of achievements. You’re reminded that you haven’t accomplished anything in the last 2 to 4 years and even when people tell you “As far as you’re alive, it’s an accomplishment”, it still doesn’t uplift your spirit.
You want to graduate, you want to get a career changing job, you want to get married, you want to have kids, you want to start that business and you want your whole world to see that you aren’t a failure after all.
I don’t know how to make you understand it but listen to me, take it easy on yourself. You’re just going to burn out if you continue to weigh yourself down.

Dont forget to breathe”
                             — Easyy

Do you celebrate your little wins or all you remember are the times people called you names? Do you count your little wins or all you remember are the people who left you behind. I don’t blame you because I don’t blame myself either. It’s human nature to remember mostly the negatives.
I’m learning to celebrate my wins no matter how funny they sound or how tiny they look. Even if it’s being able to complete 30 days of a fitness challenge or being able to pass a level in candy crush. Those “tiny” wins I celebrate with myself have been giving me more happiness than ever.
     Why do I need to compare my journey with another? We have different destinations though or you don’t believe it. Ask someone close to you that you think is achieving much more than you and you’ll be surprised with the answer.
Although, social media doesn’t help so much. It has made a lot of people to think everyone is living a picture perfect life and that’s why your heart breaks when you hear a certain celebrity committed suicide or is getting a divorce.
  Everyone is going through their own process, remember that. I want you today to try to engage in mindful living. Be aware of your surroundings, your nature. Every single detail. The birds that come to your yard to eat leftovers every 6pm or the ones that come at 7am to sing by your window. Just sit and observe. Look and feel. Take that time off social media, Inhale that fresh air and it will give you joy.
Don’t dampen your mood by remembering the mistakes you made in the past. Noone is above mistakes.Enjoy the goodness of this earth my friend and be patient with yourself and your journey. You’ll get there no matter what those voices say, no matter how long it takes, you will get there. Take it from me and like the Good book(my best book) says:
  “So my counsel is: Don’t worry about things—food, drink, and clothes. For you already have life and a body—and they are far more important than what to eat and wear.
  Look at the birds! They don’t worry about what to eat—they don’t need to sow or reap or store up food—for your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Will all your worries add a single moment to your life? “And why worry about your clothes? Look at the field lilies! They don’t worry about theirs. 
  Yet King Solomon in all his glory was not clothed as beautifully as they. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won’t he more surely care for you, O men of little faith? “So don’t worry at all about having enough food and clothing. Why be like the heathen? For they take pride in all these things and are deeply concerned about them. But your heavenly Father already knows perfectly well that you need them, and he will give them to you if you give him first place in your life and live as he wants you to.
  “So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.
          (Matthew 6:25–34)- The living Bible translation.

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Estée✨

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