An Open door

“The world is a mirage. The world is a mirage. The world is a…” I stopped as soon as I saw the look the man beside me gave. He looked a bit interested and confused at the same time so I completed the rest in my mind.
I closed my eyes and held on tightly to my bag as the journey began. It was going to be a long one.
I was going home finally after spending a lot of my life somewhere I never wanted to go back to. I was finally going to see my family.
” Do you really believe it?” A voice asked and I opened my eyes fast. I stared at the man beside me unsure on whether to ask if he spoke until he did again.
“Do you believe the world is a mirage” he asked.
I swallowed my saliva still unsure on whether to speak.
“People say the earth is flat, do you believe that?” He asked.
“No. The world is obviously not flat, how would they explain gravity?” I retorted and the man smiled.
“Maybe a mysterious dark energy” he laughed and I felt a bit comfortable.
“So do you believe the world is a mirage?” He asked again.
I took a deep breath and I remembered where the phrase actually came from.
“No” I whispered.
“Then why do you say it like you believe it?” he asked again.
My memories were almost altered by the treatment I was given but there were some memories that even the highest volts of electricity couldn’t erase.
“A mirage is when something appears like it’s there but isn’t” I started.
“Well technically, it’s defined as an optical phenomenon in which light rays bend via refraction to produce a displaced image of distant objects or the sky” he interrupted.
I raised my eyebrow and just ignored him.
“I’ve seen and heard a lot of things that look real but arent” I continued and it seemed like I had captured the man’s attention.
“Like what?” He asked as I adjusted on my seat.
“Like hearing voices that aren’t there” I answered and the memories flooded in immediately.
I started hearing voices at 18, shortly after I lost my mum. I thought it was her at first but slowly, it became two voices discussing my failures. I pushed them back with drugs and alcohol but it didn’t work. 2 years and hearing voices that wanted me to end my life, 2 years of confusing thoughts , losing my friends, keeping to just myself and not even bothering to get a job. I eventually gave in.
My sisters found me almost dead in my bathtub. That was when they decided I get special help.
“Who said they weren’t real?” The man asked.
“I know they weren’t. They were hurtful and bashful” I answered sternly as i hugged my bag tightly. I really didn’t want to speak again as this man was looking more intrusive by the minute. I decided to close my eyes to sleep.
“Do you think you’re mad?” The man’s voice woke me.
I opened my eyes and angrily looked at the man.
“Why would you ask that?” Ever since my diagnosis, I hated the word “mad”. Just because I suffered a mental illness didn’t make me mad. Mad was just a derogatory term.
“Just a random question” he started smiling.
“I’m not mad” I replied.
“You’re right. You aren’t mad” he continued smiling and I just stayed quiet.
At age 20, After I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I was dumped in a psychiatric facility by my family because they couldn’t do much to help me. It was difficult at first to accept the help and the first few months found me plotting my escape but the voices became violent and harsh and i just wanted it to stop. That was the beginning of my breakthrough.
” Most times, people act out because they are afraid, do you know that?” He asked.
Of course fear was what drove the human race. Fear of one thing or the other. My family had that fear. Fear that I would shame them and the fear that I would end up like my mum. 2 years and my family never came to see me once.
“I know” I looked outside the window. We were almost at our destination from the look of the weather outside. It was snowing already. I had missed 2 christmases. I had missed the snow and I had missed my freedom. I’m glad I got help but I hated what it cost me.
I closed my eyes again and this time I determined not to open them till the bus stopped.
I was nervous and anxious at the same time to get home. I didn’t know what to expect.
After a while, the bus stopped and I finally opened my eyes and looked by my side. The man was wide awake looking at me.
“You know you’re very creepy” I told him as I gathered my luggage.
” People say that” he answered. I scoffed and left the bus.
I put on my coat and looked around my environment. “Let it snow” by Frank Sinatra was playing outside. I could also hear bells ringing and a little small choir singing by the side of the road. It made me tear up. I had missed all of this.
I started singing along and i was surprised I could remember the lyrics.
“Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!” I sang out loud not minding whoever was there.
“I can tell you love Frank Sinatra” It was the same man again.  At this point he was annoying.
” Of course but I love Christmas more” I rolled my eyes.
“I heard voices too” he said quietly
“What do you mean? ” I asked pretending not to know but still interested.
” I was diagnosed with schizophrenia” he started walking beside me.
” I struggled for years till i finally walked into a hospital and asked for help…”
“By that time I had lost a lot of friends and family” for a moment, I saw pain in his eyes. The same pain of rejection I felt.
” I know you went through the same, if not worse” he ended. I shook my head
“I’m glad i got help” I smiled. My first genuine smile in a while. As we got to the sidewalk trying to hail a cab. I stretched out my hand.
” My name’s Lexi”
“Mine is Tolu” he took the hand and we shook.
” Where are you headed?” I asked.
“Home. You?” he replied with a smile.
“Home” i answered.
“Are you getting in?” he announced as his cab arrived.
“No, thank you. My sister is coming for me” I hoped she came. She promised she would the last time we spoke on the phone but if she didn’t, I would just take a cab home.
“I guess we’ll meet again” he handed a small paper to me
It was nice to meet you” I waved at Tolu as his cab drove off. I looked at the crumpled paper and read what was in it.
‘To a fellow survivor, here’s my number‘ I laughed to myself. I guess there was no harm in getting to know his story well and so I put the paper in my pocket.
Still waiting for my sister, I went to an empty seat beside the little choir singing and just took it all in.
The world was still the same way I left it but my world wasn’t the same.
” Alexandra” I snapped out of my thoughts and looked up.
“Sandra” I stood up and we hugged tightly.
“I’m sorry Lexi, I’m so sorry” she cried but I just hugged her back. I had let it all go. All the grudges, the blame, everything. It could only get better from here.