Laugh out loud.

In the spirit of all honesty,

There was big part of me that was never used to flexibility. I made my plans, made sure i covered all the bases and that nothing could go wrong.
I knew where i wanted to be in life and i knew what i wanted to do. I knew the path or paths i could take. It was always Plan A, B, C and even D.
I now realize everything i did, i did because of anxiety.

Anxiety the big A word.

I didn’t know i was a very anxious person till a later part of medical school. It was so much worse then because i could never wait for the results to be pasted, i had to know my scores beforehand. I wouldn’t be able to sleep until i was done with a presentation. The anxiety led to almost perfectionism. I wanted all bases to be covered.
By the time I graduated, it had tripled and i didn’t even know. I went through house job with regular pep talks and lots of hidden tears.
By this time, it became clear. Anxiety had grown into fear and it had created a big room in my heart and i wasn’t aware. I had been caught completely off guard.

Fear, the boggart

It’s not so big when you’ve figured it out. The way it reminds you of your inadequacies, the way it whispers that you’re not so good at what you do, the way it creeps in when you get a good news, the way it grabs a hold of you when you’re alone and the way it lies.
In one of my favorite movie of all time, there’s something they called a boggart. A boggart takes the form of what the person is most afraid of and at the moment all you can see is that thing that you think could hurt you. It leaves you crippled, shaking to your bones and helpless.

What are you afraid of?

Failure. The big F word. I was scared of failing. I couldn’t comprehend it and i felt i wouldn’t be able to handle it even though I had dealt with failure a couple of times. I thought dealing with it would give me the courage to just try no matter what the outcome was but i was still scared of failing. This isn’t only academical by the way. This goes across all boards. Failing in life, failing in relationships.
I wanted to get it right at once.
In the midst of this, i had created this frost, this high wall that bred anxiety.
I was anxious all the time and even while sleeping, you could drop a pin and i would get up immediately.


Let’s take a walk.

In that movie i love so much, the boggart is defeated by laughing at it. The moment you laugh at it, it takes a very amusing form. That’s the entire lifespan of fear.
It gets defeated in a split second.
I will always use my experiences to open your eyes to see a life in which you arent alone. I’m writing this not fully emancipated from anxiety, in the process of it but this is completely freeing.
I was afraid to let people in for a long time and when i started being a bit personal in my writings, i didn’t know i was touching a life or two. I didn’t know people were reading and people were learning but trust me when I say, 4 to 5 years ago, i wouldn’t have been able to share this.


The spirit of power.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline”
2 Timothy 1:7 NLT .

God moves even when there is silence. He is moving as long as you’re open and receptive.
You have to remind yourself that everything that fear stands for is not of God.
To keep you trapped, God has given you freedom, to keep you from realizing your gifts, to prevent you from walking in power and to make sure you live a mediocre life filled with timidity. God doesn’t stand for that.
There’s nothing wrong in not knowing what the nearest future holds.. you have entrusted it in the hands of someone who knows your end from the beginning. There’s nothing wrong in a few slip ups along the way, nothing wrong with process, with learning. God wants us to grow and to develop. He wants us to be the best version of what he created.
Theres so much power in us to cast out the fear that binds us if we only open up.
I’m not saying fear will disappear forever but just like when the dementors come close and a patronus is casted. Perfect love casts out fear.
God is that perfect love and he casts out all fear whenever it wants to slip in.

So please, laugh at that boggart today and remind it whose child you are. Walk with that realization that greater is the power, the essence, the being that lives in you than that of the world.