‘There are some journeys you take on your own”.
“Someone wise told me that years ago after my first major mental breakdown”
Nothing in my life was going right at that time and the sun looked much more like a dying star everyday.
“What do you think? Are people in charge of their destiny or destiny comes knocking no matter what you do?” I ranted on not looking directly at her.
“Do you still have those nightmares” The voice brought me back to reality.
“Yes, yes i do but they are different now” i replied.
“Tell me about it” she adjusted in her seat.
I sighed deeply before deciding to speak. Talking about the nightmares would be like reliving it but it was needed for progress.
” I am walking down a busy road and it’s dark. All of a sudden it starts raining and i start running to get home, it feels like I’m running home..” I stop because suddenly I’m in that dream again.
” Teni, you can continue, you’re safe here” i hear a distant voice but i recognize it so I continue.
” I’m running and running and then i can see my house and I’m happy but as soon as the feeling comes, it goes immediately. I no longer see the house and the rain becomes so heavy, i look around and there are no more cars on the street and I’m suddenly in a pool drowning. I feel so much fear but most of all, loneliness. I felt so alone” I end in a whisper.
Finally, i look up straight to my doctor and wait for her to speak.
“What do you think it means?” She asks and i shake my head.
I couldn’t figure out a meaning. I had the dream every month since my husband died.
“I don’t know what it means. I’ve tried to figure it out, thinking it was related to my husband, so i moved away. I changed jobs, i made new friends” i shakily said.
” I think it’s deeper than that Teni..” she leaned forward as she poured tea in a blue cup.
“..You still haven’t visited his grave site” she continued.
She was right. Since the day my husband was buried, i never went back there. In fact, i packed up all my things after 2 months and left lagos.
We didn’t have children so the only reminder i had of him were his material things and his family.
The family was supportive and they were ready to help me heal but i didn’t want any reminders. The memories were enough.
” Where is your home? ” She asked and suddenly tears came to my eyes.
I remembered a time when I and my husband went to switzerland for Christmas and we were awed by the scenery, the calm and orderliness and he started talking about moving out of Lagos but i was worried the people and things we would leave behind. We should have left.
” Home is wherever i am with you Teni, never forget“.
The tears dropped as i looked at my psychiatrist.
” Home is where the heart is” i replied as i unconsciously fiddled my wedding ring.
” You know where your heart is. It’s been there all these years but you keep punishing yourself. Your greatest fear is being alone and you feel going back would bring that fear to life” She continued.
” But you’re not alone, you never were” she ended.
“I don’t know what to do” i honestly answered.
“Like you said earlier Teni, there are some journeys you take on your own”.
As we ended the session, i walked out of the building and entered my car. 2 years of doing this and today was the first day I felt hopeful. My phone beeped as i started the car so I quickly checked it.
It was a calendar reminder.
My husband’s death anniversary was tomorrow.
I remembered that day clearly. I was at work, trying to save victims from a mass casualty incident that happened on the island not knowing my husband had been brought in too but dead on arrival.
After mourning him, i couldn’t live with myself. Months later, i knew I had to see a therapist. I couldn’t go back to work without the memory of that night.
Afterwards, i moved to Abuja and tried to start a new life and my therapist gradually changed from weekly to monthly.
I still couldn’t function well at work but I could try. She had helped me to a considerable point but now, i had to do this on my own.
I guess you can’t delay the inevitable and i knew what I had to do this time.
After taking a deep breath, I picked up my phone and quickly booked a flight to lagos. It was last minute but I knew what I had to do.
It was time to say goodbye.
