“You needn’t die happy when your time comes, but you must die satisfied, for you have lived your life from the beginning to the end . . .”
—Stephen King, The Dark Tower
Everyone has that constant pressure to succeed. Everyone has that constant voice either external or internal bugging you to be the best. I don’t believe anyone actually wants to remain mediocre. Search yourself, search deep down. I do not think anyone actually wants to be below average.
I had always been a hard worker, a perfectionist. I never thought I was born ordinary. Society called it pride when I was younger but when I became a teenager, i realized it was just confidence, even though there’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance.
My parents always pushed me to be the best in whatever I did and I never faltered. My childhood was a triangle of summer lessons, watching educative cartoons and a never ending competition between I and my 4 sisters on who was the best daughter and it made my parents happy. It gave them joy but it broke us and we didn’t even know it.
My hands started shaking and I didn’t even know when the phone I was holding dropped.
“Are they here yet?” I whispered to Lara.
She nodded her head. She held my hands tight and I could see the tears in her eyes.
“They will come soon Ally” she reassured. I sighed and zoned out again. My eyes darted to the picture frame by my bedside. It was me and my friends from college on a trip during our last summer together in school. The only friends that I’ve ever had.
I lived all my life for my parents, always trying to get all the awards and rub in my sisters faces. I remember the day I didn’t make the track and field team in high school and my twin sister did. My parents got her one of the latest phones that year but got me nothing. There was no “you did your best or there will always be next time”. There was no conversation just silence.
“They aren’t coming Lara” my voice cracked.
“I am probably their biggest disappointment” the tears gathered but I still smiled.
I had finally come to terms that i was going to die. It was after I slumped while giving a presentation at the office that I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It’s been 2 years in and out of the hospital, in and out of the country but it was too far spread and even clinical trials couldn’t help.
I couldn’t even look at myself anymore. I was basically a shadow of the once lively Allison that participated in every possible activity.
At 29,i was the Co CEO of an advertisement firm that had multiple branches all over Nigeria. I was listed in Forbes under 30 richest Africans and I worked 9 to 9 every day even Sundays but it came with a price. I had no new personal relationships and only a few of my former friends still lingered around. There was just no time. Lara was once my personal assistant but gradually became the sister I wish I had.
In the last month, I had been in hospice. Lara had been staying with me through my entire experience. I had to step down from the company and completely stop working and she also took a paid leave. In spite of everything, my parents nor sisters never came to see me. Just a few calls and texts. I couldn’t blame them, I told them in the beginning that it was just a mild illness but when there was no cure in sight, I had to come clean. It didn’t change anything. At a point, they didn’t reply anymore.
My money meant nothing now and my name meant nothing now. All I had worked for all my life seemed so empty and vain now. It was hard to accept my fate at first but I was glad I was going to a place where I was loved and not used.
” Please take me outside” I whispered to Lara. My breathing had become difficult but I wanted to walk around and hear the Aboki sell suya or Àsun one last time. I would miss Nigeria: the heat, the owambe’s and the noise.
Lara and the nurse held me together once we were outside. I wanted to walk alone, there was this sudden burst of energy. I found God during these last couple of months as everyone in hospice care was advised to be closer to their faith. I had always felt him in the tiny things around my room but now, going out, I could feel him everywhere around me.
I walked to the Àsun joint and asked for one plate. It would soon be time. I could feel it. I started getting cold and quickly went to sit on a bench. Lara rushed beside me and held my hand. “Don’t forget where the letter is” I told her.
I had dropped a letter to be read during my funeral. I knew they would show up and pretend they were there for me all along. All my money and assets would be given to charity. I started smiling even if I couldn’t feel my limbs anymore.
The darkness started coming and I welcomed it then I heard a voice
“Allison”.
